Is This What You Wanted?

October is my favorite month, Autumn my favorite season, and tomorrow I'm running away as far and for as long as I can (which isn't much on either counts.) I'm going away from a mundane office job with hypocritical supervisors; away from rejection, from loneliness in the midst of crowds, from people in arrested development & adult cliques; away from the frustration of being stuck and struggling to break free. I'm driving alone to Wisconsin to my older brother's sprawling house on sprawling acreage with giant trees and miles and miles of open space; to a place with people who know me, who understand my way, people I grew up with, who aren't trying to be anyone they're not. People who are just as relieved to be around someone equally comfortable with them. I'm going to shoot the homemade bow & arrows my brother made for his wife & girls, climb in the treehouse with my niece, and go out in my socks to throw balls for their dog in the chilly morning. I even told my brother he could wait to go to an antique salvage yard, so I could tag along.

I like to tag along with my big brother. I like to wear sneakers & jeans & hoodies b/c no one cares, and do whatever I like without feeling like I have to do something socially acceptable in someone's house, b/c I'M acceptable, and no one cares. Because these are people who grow & pick their own apples, and then spend a week making all sorts of homemade apple stuffs, including cider. Who make beer & wine, and renovate their entire house on their own, and have careers they love & creativity left over, and go out bike riding with their kids, and have shelves and shelves of books in every room, and have cabinets with drawers that say "interesting things," "useful things," & "neither." And quite honestly, I am lost without those people, b/c they are who I always knew I was, and who I always wanted to be. Not alone, going through motions, trying to find a chance, waiting to find someone else similar to me. I told my mom recently that I just wanted to be around the kind of people I grew up with, and she said that gave her hope that maybe I would give up chasing windmills. What else is there to chase when you have never yet been able to catch up with what you've always needed? When your timing has always been a little off?

Every kind of freedom has its own bonds. And while I'm as free now as I've ever been, while I can do anything I want to do without being told I can't... there is a certain sadness always present. A sadness I think too many people know all too well. So I head down the open road again, trying to find a peace away from these confines; to feel accepted & included; to feed the restlessness inside me for a few months longer, until I finally find a change to suit me.

Confessions of an Independent Woman

Remember that old Destiny's Child song Independent Women? Well if you love bad remake movies with hot chicks or bad attempts at girl power, you sure do. If not, here's a little "slice of heaven." See what I did there?

Enjoyed that, did you? Well somehow I've reached the personification of that song, and honestly I not only don't know how, but am not all together sure why its so glamorous. I never realized that girls look up to women like me, but I've been told by other women my age that not only do they envy me, but their teenage girls want to be just like me when they grow up. Seriously? No, that's actually what they say. "I want to be like Lisa when I'm older. Working two jobs, having my own place, and not having to rely on a stupid man for support. She doesn't have kids, and can do whatever she wants."

All right. I guess from an outside birdseye view that's all good, though not even close to what I wanted when I was a teeenager. Not exactly what I want now either, but I guess its where I'm at.

Its true that I've always been a bit of a loner. I could go into hashing it out, but its mainly just my personality - INFP if you're familiar with Meyers-Briggs. I like to do my own thing, be in my own head, not have a lot of high energy in my personal space. So I pay to have my own apartment. I don't need to have a man (though it would be nice) I don't need to have friends around at all times, or need to live with someone. There are so many women out there in bad relationships b/c they can't bear to be alone, or live unsupported. Well, I've never much taken to low self-esteem, so being on my own isn't something I dread.. but there are some downsides to all of this.

The dark, miserable side of being an Independent Woman:

I pay for all my own stuff, yes - BUT I also work two jobs so I can. Not a lot of free time for this girl. My personal life is far from glamorous.

I don't take whatever man comes along who is interested in me - BUT that leaves a lot of lonely nights & frustration without someone to compliment my personality.

I can go out when I want to - BUT I don't necessarily have friends to go with. Since I decided to be restless & rebellious when I was younger instead of settling down like most normal, intelligent people I'm used to, I tend to be at a loss for those of my kind. Most others like me are okay with doing their own thing, or staying in their own little comfortable clique. So I either don't go out, end up alone, or go out with less desirable acquaintances that either ruin the night or get us into trouble.

So, there you have it. I guess I don't really know what else to say on this issue, b/c honestly, I really wanted to be a secret agent like Charlie's Angels, so this is all a bit of a let down to me.

But HEY! I'm not in a controlling relationship, I pay my own bills, & that car I drive?.... I BOUGHT IT. Okay, that does feel nice to say.

IF by Ruyard Kipling

The wisest words I can offer for any difficult situation that threatens to bring you down are from Ruyard Kipling... obviously written for a male, but I feel like all but the last line can apply to anyone.. b/c sometimes things are just so unfair & uncalled for, and even if you break down & sob for a bit, in the end you just can't let it get to you:


IF you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise:

If you can dream - and not make dreams your master;
If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools:

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breathe a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: 'Hold on!'

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
'Or walk with Kings - nor lose the common touch,
if neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And - which is more - you'll be a Man, my son!

What the...

Look, I'm into futuristic technology as much as the next person, and considerably less than actual scientists and tech geeks. I'm always excited to read about new medical procedures and technology that either solve an issue or lengthen the life of a anatomical structure. Likewise, I find it fascinating to read about other gadgets that are being created either to push the boundaries of science or for practical use. Then there are the developement that make you go... Why? Why would you spend time & money on something like that? Why do you feel we actually need something so high tech for something so basic? Here's today example from the weather channel website: Tornado proof houses

http://www.weather.com/home-garden/tornado-proof-home-could-retreat-underground-20130712

I've lived in Kansas since the age of 10, half of which was spent in a tiny town in the middle of nowhere Tornado Alley. Severe storms scared the shit out of me. I was fully aware that a tornado could develop & wipe out our little community. Only it didn't. There were only a couple of times there was one nearby, and it was out by a farm place on the plains. In fact, my 62 yr old dad has lived in rural Kansas most of his life, and has never even seen a tornado. This isn't to say there isn't a risk, or that some areas are more likely to get hit several times, b/c everyone knows there always will be. But do we really need a house that is "aware of its surroundings" that can retreat underground at the first sign of a tornado? The article says it the project was started as an alternative to mobile homes in at risk areas. You think someone who has invested in one of the lowest cost living accomodations is going to be your top customer for something that high-tech? Probably the oldest settler home building strategies for energy efficiency & weatherproofing is just the opposite of this proposal, and utilizies geography. Earthen/dugout houses. Not too difficult. Probably a lot cheaper to deal with than a mechanical house, especially if you're going to be digging a hole anyway for it to reatreat into. I've never really understood why there are mobile home courts on flat plains with no geographical protection in the first place. That's always seemed like a no-brainer to me, right? I've also been confused at the amount of houses in rural kansas/oklahoma that don't have basements. Its just common sense. The retirement house my grandparents built across from their main farm was built into a hill, and I never once felt in danger during a severe storm... b/c we were IN the ground. So maybe instead of spending who knows how many millions of dollars on something that will inevitably malfunction, why not just rely on nature for protection from nature? Its how the world was meant to work. Instead of trailer parks, just dig out some holes in the side of a hill & call it a cave community. BAM.

Pure Expression

Airborne Toxic Event - The Book of Love (Magnetic Fields cover)

White on white

Judge me if you'd like, but I still love this album. You wouldn't believe the feeling I had flying into Baltimore a few years ago when I discovered it was raining... b/c its raining in Baltimore, baby.

Heart Strings

While our family was out at dinner tonight, my father had several calls during which he was informed his eldest brother had unexpectedly passed away. My aunt had first called my mom with the final report, so when his younger brother called, he got up from the table to stand by the window in the restaurant. My sister-in-law told my soon-to-be 6 yr old niece that grandpa's brother had died. Without being told, without saying a word, she got up and went over to where he was standing with his phone, and put her arms around him. She continued to stand with him until he was finished with the call, and as we all gathered our things, she stayed behind & walked out with him. That simple, unabashed gesture of comfort and strength was one of the most awe-inspiring things I've witnessed in awhile. If only we all had the assurance to reach out and do what is needed, without fear of rejection or reproach.

Clawing The Way

I won't pretend that I'm not addicted to social networks. I don't have an extremely fascinating or fulfilling life that takes up my time & interest enough to avoid the mindless behavior of wondering what everyone else is doing. You've read enough philosophical rants about how social networking has ruined the individual identity; how it sucks the life out of creativy and self confidence, or hinders the process of self reflection. I won't necessarily rehash all of that. However, I will say that most of what is written on social networks is basically coming from a need for attention - because that's how the human mind functions. We have a need for communication, a need for recognition, & a need for validation. So we use facebook to write about our dull lifes, and our friends "like" it b/c they're lives are just as boring & they can relate. Or we use twitter as an outlet for our random stream of thought, b/c whether someone likes it or not, we feel like we're getting our notes on life out there. We're like authors who can't focus enough to create an actual piece of literature, just a lot of quotes that no one will remember. Its sad to step back and view it all like this, but at the same time, it gives us a small sense that we're not alone. That there are other people out there sitting at home, lonely & wondering what we're doing.

The only problem with that is we seem to have lost the art of communication. How many status updates have you actually commented on recently? If you see that a girl/guy you like is also lonely or looking for something to do, did you ever respond? Of course not. You're not going to say anything. You may think about it, but you're not going to open a dialogue. That would be risky. Someone might ridicule you or think you're a moron. You might forced to look at another point of view. Or what if you comment & no one responds? Honestly, I'm not sure people even know how to have a real discussion anymore. Its an odd thing - we all seem to be sharing these little tidbits so that we can connect with others just like us, but in reality, no one is willing to come out and SAY something. We all just sit online on facebook messanger, content that another person is also at home, trying to will them to talk to us.

I was on a very short solo roadtrip a few weeks ago, and there were many times when I did not have reception. I was forced to return my natural way of having to entertain myself, solve my own problems, and take in the world around me. For those 3 days, it was so freeing. I remembered who I was. I felt a connection to those traveling around me, and just settled into the calm of the road. And while I was "lost" in the SE backhills of Wyoming for a good 2hrs, I had a moment or two of panick at the thought of ranch life so far from civilization, but in the end I only wanted to set off into those wide open hills on foot or on horseback. When I returned home, reality hit hard; because life is too short to be stuck in this environment where we don't even remember LIFE, only what we read on status updates over the past week. Life is too short to be stuck in a job that bores you to the point that you miss whole weeks and month in the stupor of cubicle life, living life vicariously through people who are better at documenting their lives. Moreover, life is too short to have virtual connections be the source of our social interactions.

Everyone has one specific dream that they go to when they think about where they want to end up - where they belong. Its the scenario in your mind which took root at some point when you were developing that you know in your heart it is where you want to be. If you had one choice despite anything that is going on right now, you can close your eyes & see it. This is not where I wanted to be. This is not who I am. And saying that I will get there in another year or two, or a few decades - that is not working for me. If you ever use the term YOLO, take a second to think about what it means. Then get off your ass, off your computer, talk to the pretty girl/guy you've been lurking who you know in your heart might understand you, or get the hell out of town & remember what living means. Life is too short to not be taking radical chances.

Nothing Feels Good

-"How nothing feels so much like a language nothing ever gets finished, like i ninety-foreign highways and cities, listening to silence, where all the useless songs in america are haunting me, so in the long thigh of the late sunlight, i come back from the years."-


The Promise Ring
(album insert)

Your Ignorance is Showing

Maybe I love history more than others, maybe I have a different view of life and death than most people. Whatever the case, one of my biggest pet peeves is over-reaction to tragedy in the world today. Few things annoy me more than when someone says, "All of the terrible things happening in the world today. It seems to just get worse and worse, like anything can happen." REALLY? Now I've dealt with this exact sentiment so many times in the past few years, that I've come up with a solid argument against this kind of ignorance - and that's all it is, ignorance. Ignorance for the entire history of humankind, as well as the planet earth. If you can't take the circle of life into perspective, you are nothing but an ignorant fool.

First of all, all the terrible things happening in the world today? Really? I could easily point out examples in the last 50 years, but it seems like maybe that's "too recent" and could be included in this "worsening epidemic of evil." Lets go with the last 100 years. Anyone remember a couple little things called WWI and WWII? No? Doesn't ring a bell? Well, 16 million and 60 million people were killed in each, respectively, so I figured it wouldn't be something easily forgotten. How about the attempted genocide of the Jewish race in which a madman convinced an entire army to murder 6 million innocent people, or 2/3 of all Jews in Europe? What about the atomic bomb that literally flattened the cities of Hiroshima and Nagasaki, and killed around 200,000 Japanese civilians? Have you just pushed that to the back of your mind like a piece of fiction you once read? We have wars now, but nothing compares to what went on nearly a hundred years ago, as well as long before. The American Civil war was little over 150 years ago, and killed over 400,000 people in 4 years. This was fought over the threat of secession due to the American slave trade - a incredibly evil phenomenon in which an estimated 12 million Africans were kidnapped from their home, shipped like rats, sold like work animals, and treated even worse in the fields. Is that another piece of fiction you've stored in your brain? How about the Medieval period in Europe when royalty seemed to be on a routine rotation due to the ruling party being at constant war with their enemies, & more often than not, were murdered by such. Meanwhile, the common people lived in the kind of squalor & disease we can't even imagine. You think its hard to find hope now? Try living in a insect/rat infested hut with mud floors & a straw roof, where you take a filthy bath once a year, and eat stew that's been in the same pot for over a week. Oh, and you're probably in insurmountable debt and work land that belongs to someone else.  Think you're not going anywhere in life, now?

Lately I've heard the argument, "well, they didn't have the scary technology back then that we do now." Oh yeah? Maybe you haven't read a lot about the history of torture, but I would rather be killed by our technology today than by any kind of primitive or evolving automatic weapon used any time before say, 1950. Gatling guns, cannons, swords, mace & axe, mustard gas, agent orange. Not to mention all the execution devices that have been outlawed as "cruel and unusual:" The guillotine, impalement, drawn & quartering, DISEMBOWELMENT. Geez. I would much rather go by the more precise methods of today. If anything, I'd say we've improved on our evil ways. Of course, right there someone could say, "innocent kids are being killed, terrorists are targeting tourists and innocent civilians, no one is safe anymore." You think we were ever SAFE? Again, if anything, I'd say we're more protected then ever. War is much less of a common thing than it was in the past, and when there is one, it is much less deadly. It has to be, because every country in the world knows that if anything gets pushed too far, there are weapons that could obliterate human kind.. and I'm pretty sure that even the crazy terrorist madmen wouldn't want that. So yes, innocent children were shot. I won't try to downplay that tragedy, but I will say that there are terrible things like child slavery, child soldiers, etc. still prevalent in highly populated areas of our world. So while we can ask (we have to ask out of bewilderment) why anyone would shoot up a school of innocent children, you cannot tell me that this is an evil that has just begun to emerge and has never been so bad. That in itself is ignorance to the natural evil around us.

Another thing I cannot stand is when a person takes natural disasters or illness reports, and tries to say it has never been so bad. REALLY? First of all, go look up "extinction events." Granted, there has not been one since the beginning of humanity, as obviously we would be exterminated, but it still shows that the world has been destroyed at least 5 times, if not several more. There have been meteorites, there have been massive volcano eruptions. Every year thousands are killed by tsunamis, earthquakes, tornadoes, etc. There were almost 900 students killed during the 2008 earthquake in China, in one location, alone. 900 STUDENTS. Can the American public even fathom that idea? Its an image I certainly haven't been able to get out of my mind in the last 5 years. So when a co-worker tells me she doesn't know what's going on in the world today b/c there was an overly active tornado season, or an earthquake in NY, I just shake my head. We live on a living planet. Mother Nature is a dangerous, deadly force. It just shows our ignorance created by our advanced civilization to think we cannot be harmed.

So what is the problem? Well, as I've said all along, ignorance plays into it quite a bit. How many student really pay attention in school to history lessons, and when they do, is it relevant enough to our society today that they even blink at the horrors of mankind? One thing I've heard from more than one teacher recently is that The Diary of Anne Frank isn't even relevant to their students anymore. Its not RELEVANT! Think about that, America. Our kids are reading a first-hand account written by a girl their age who was forced to go into hiding from horrible men who would like to see her entire innocent family killed, and after 2 years they are discovered & taken to hard-labor, disease-infested concentration camps where all but one eventually dies. That's not relevant to our kids today. To them it may seem more like a work of fiction, written to try and scare some sense into them. It just doesn't apply to their middle-class suburban lifestyles. Its a boring version of the video game they played last night. Perhaps schools need to begin having actual holocaust victims in to talk to these students. Perhaps we need actual Ugandan refugees to come share their stories. Would that make it more relevant, you snots?

You see, America is so far separated from global life that the everyday citizen doesn't seem to know a lot about the actual evil going on in our world. They don't hear about the absolutely horrifying civil wars in Africa anymore. They don't hear much of the archaic social systems in some countries of the Middle East. They don't know that until the 1980's, Aboriginal Australians weren't even considered to be part of the country's population. What we hear & see is what pertains to us. Is it going to affect America in some way? Yes? Well, if we have a stake over there, its suddenly important. How important was Myanmar to America? Sure plenty of people were concerned with the injustice of the riots, but was it even close to being a majority of our population? Was our media pushing images and new stories? If it was, I sure didn't see it. We hear about North Korea because it is a threat to humankind with their absurd ideas about nuclear weapons & world domination. We heard about the extremely juvenile riots in the UK because they are our civilized brethren. So maybe that's what it comes down to. We are only shocked by the evil in civilized countries, as if we've built ourselves up to the point that we are unable to be breached. We've callused ourselves to the point that we have forgotten evil is innate. It is not a way of race or religion. Whether it be in a 3rd world country where people only have crude ways to fight, or in a 1st world country where people can use advanced technology, there is always an evil presence. Utopia does not exist. Utopia cannot exist because of human nature. Mental health cannot be completely controlled because the minds of sociopaths work to deceive. We are constantly looking for answers to control the next tragedy, and all I can say is that it is not possible. As long as we're convincing the American public that we have everything under control, any tragedy that befalls us will create shock & hysteria. I say we teach to be kind, to problem solve, to always be aware. Always be ready for the next event, be ready to stand up & help, be ready to run. The next time could be right out your back door.

Fight for a Decent Life

I like to consider myself a survivalist. I've been through a lot of pain in my life, a few times down the rabbit hole, a couple times at the bottom of the hole. But when it comes down to it, I learned a long time ago that there's really nothing to do but keep moving on. I've never believed suicide to be the easy way out (though I understand how some can get so mixed up, they can't tell up from down, and become absorbed in their affliction) I value the experience and precious moments of life too dearly to have ever considered it a realistic option. Some of my friends may have regretted this statement in the past, but my motto has always been: "bad experience is still experience." Its about the stories - about being in that moment in time - because in the story of life, you want to find out how the main character survives, how they cope, what they think & feel, despite any hell they've been through.

Most people are shocked to find out I have fibromyalgia. I don't outwardly fit the profile of all those people who dote on their diagnosis like its a life sentence - a diagnosis that is often not even correct. Physically, anatomically, I am a classic textbook case. You wouldn't know it though, b/c I approach things with a natural, investigative, and die-hard spirit. This is a syndrome that you have to fight, or you will fall down & waste away.

After many years of doing my own research to get to the bottom of this "mystery disorder," I finally asked a trusted chiropractor who believed in a non-invasive wholistic approach to healing. He told me, in basic terms, that something happens in the health history of a fibromyalgia patien which short-circuits certain pain neurotransmitters in the body. Well, luck me, I was just the wild, free-running girl to have suffered two injuries that marked significant points in my progression. The first incident occurred during a break at catechism class one night in my early teens, in which I climbed up a tree to retrieve a football. In the dark, I stepped on a dead branch, and promptly fell 12 feet like a stone. I was knocked unconscious for about 15min, and woke up with a brief spell of amnesia. (Of course, back then concussions weren't considered serious unless they put you in the hospital. Though I still have a slight scar on the frontal lobe of my brain, according to an MRI from 2010.) The second incident occured several years later during my first year of college, I was walking to class & hit a patch of ice, which literally swept my legs out from under me, landing me directly on my tailbone. I visited the local chiropractor who said my x-rays showed my lumbar spine had been compacted like mangled railroad tracks. He used traction & stretches to adjust them back into place, but its been the root of a lot of my pain since. After that, I began to notice odd little things. my calves would ache from walking up a flight of stairs. I would exercise, and my muscles would become so tight that I'd try to do yoga to stretch them out. They'd only get worse. I eventually ended up wearing a knee brace b/c my hamstrings, quads, and IT band were so tight I was having difficultly walking. I went to a family sports medicine doctor/chiropractor that next summer who marveled that my muscles just wouldn't release. Yeah, marvelous. It was literally a pain in the ass. I felt like I had lead running through my blood. My outlook on life was rather bleak during that time. I was lovelorn, in deep pain, and going nowhere in life. The summer heat was torturous. The bitter winter cold made my joints feel like broken hinges. It took a couple specialists, a few experiments with prescriptions, and quite a bit of time to figure out how I could personally deal with my issues the best. Most people will agree that the college years are confusing enough for an individual. Well, 2002 was my year from hell. However, as much struggle I went through with some of those closest to me, I can honestly say now that I am lucky enough to have an amazingly supportive set of parents.

I first started looking at natural methods of pain relief when I was in my early teens. I made sure to understand the importance of proper exercise technique to strengthen supporting muscles, and not strain my back. I started looking into yoga & pilates, and even using some basic energy techniques to help my headaches. I hear a lot of massage therapy students saying they "thought it might be fun" to do massage. Well, I got into massage therapy, b/c my entire body hurt all of the time, and I wanted to use my own experience to help others. That being said, I do get my occasional fibromyalgia patient, and yes, they are SHOCKED when I tell them I've had it for a little more than 10 years. How am I so active, so in shape, so kept together? Its not easy, but its something I've worked hard to live with. You see, when you have a chronic condition, especially when you have so much life ahead of you, you absolutely have to find a way to keep yourself going, and  a lot of that involves maintaining your own health.

Most clients I see who claim to have fibromyalgia are doing all the wrong things. A good deal don't even understand what it is, and have just been labeled as having it b/c their doctor hears they're in pain, & jump to that diagnosis. They complain that they can't get out of bed. They're tired all the time. How can they possibly exercise if they're in so much pain? Well, first of all, you absolutely must get out of bed and do something active. It doesn't have to be aggressive, and honestly, agressive exercise is probably not the best idea. Pilates is a great way to tone muscles, stretch your sore joints, and basically get your body moving without stressing it out. You also absolutely have to drink water. A lot of fibromyalgia patients say they don't like water. Well, any simple person is going to have pain if they're dehydrated all the time, lay in bed all day, and don't get the right nutrients. You've really got to keep on top of it. Yes, I am on a daily NSAID, Cymbalta, and iron supplements, but I feel its important to find the most effective combination involving the least amount of prescriptions. You start taking 5 or more, and you become chemically saturated. Things start interacting, and adding more isn't going to help anything - but it will probably hurt your cause with all the side effects. Another major must is a good nutrient supplement. I take a vitamin powder called Reliv, so I can absorb all the vitamin-ey goodness. Vegetables, protein, these are all no-brainer nutrition items. I will be the first to say I'm terrible at keeping up on that last one, but I can really tell a difference when I do.

So yes, when it comes down to it, I'm not a specialist. I'm not a nutritionist. I'm only a massage therapist who has battled this thing for years. I get tired more easily than some, I sleep more, I have flares when I might be in more pain than usual. I'm a bit more sensitive to overloads of noise & chaos, & sometimes extreme temperatures throw me off, and I feel like my mind goes blank more than it should, but I deal with it - b/c I'm only 31 years old, and I feel like I've always been a fighter.  In the end, You do what you have to do to live life the best you can.

Random Memoir

One of the most distinct ways I remember my mom as she was when I was younger is her sitting in the front passenger seat of our car as my dad drove us down the highway, her bare feet resting on the dash as she sang along with the rock 'n roll "oldies" she grew up with. She always seemed so free & happy, her head luxuriously resting back on the seat, sunglasses hiding her eyes, as she lounged in the sun & drank in the breeze from the open windows.

There were also several nights when I would run to hug her after they had been out at some benefit, concert, dinner, etc. I should have been in bed, but I was never one to follow the rules. I remember being engulfed in her camel hair dress coat, soaked in the delicious scent of the cold night air & Tresor. I remember that sweet, warm aroma, alive with the sharp chill. We children were spoiled to have her home with us so much. We didn't much like her going out for occasions, and leaving us behind.

Reservations

There was a time when this song just killed me. What am I saying? It still tears me apart.

Wilco - Reservations

Fun Pop Smarshmellow

You may see this as an odd combination. You may see a few guilty pleasures that maybe you think are out of place. You'll be suprised how well this works. Great driving music!

Ting Tings - Not My Name
Rhianna - Don't Stop the Music
ZZ Top - La Grange
Yeah Yeah Yeahs - Black Tongue
Kings of Leon - Holy Roller Novocaine
Spoon - Back to the Life
The Strokes - Juicebox
Rebel Yell - Billy Idol
Goldfrapp - Strict Machine
Britney Spear - Toxic
Jennifer Lopez - Get Right (ft. Fab)
Lily Allen - Smile
Beyonce - Crazy in Love
The Fratellis - Flathead
Beck - Black Tamborine
Phantom Planet - Big Brat
The Pixies - Tame

Beneath, Within

"Even in our sleep, pain which cannot forget falls drop by drop upon the heart until, in our own despair, against our will, comes wisdom through the awful grace of God." - Aeschylus

My Life as a Movie Star

Those times, all those times
so many, long-gazing up with my big eyes
and i was a child in a play that we'd set
two runaways and you couldn't get enough
all those times
in your attic house
with the voices below and banging
drifters at the door
i would sit on your old couch
in my hideout, while you went out
with your albums stacked on the floor
an old blanket keeping me warm
in that deep Fall
we built lies to fit the role
my world crumbling below

it couldn't have been wrong
i never once said it was wrong

Bucket List?

I don't necessarily believe in "bucket lists." If someone tells me they'd like to do something some day, I say, all right. Everybody's got dreams. But if you have a bucket list, what happens when you've finished? I figure you just live life as it comes, and if a chance opens up, you take it. There's no need to map out the years through your fantasies.

That being said, my co-worker's sister works for a hospice here in town. She was telling me about this program they have where they help their clients do something they've always wanted before they die. One guy wanted to go to a Royals game with his son, so they arranged everything and covered the expense of all the extras. Okay, its sentimental, I get it. But you can get good tickets to a Royals game on Ticketstub.com for like 15$ each. I thought for maybe 3 seconds before responding.

"I'd want to go to Greenland."

"Well, there's limit to their finances. I don't think they could afford Greenland."

"Well, then I'd want them to HELP me go to Greenland. See the viking settlements, hike the ice fields, go kayaking. And I really, really want to see some musk oxen."

 I thought for another moment.

"I'd also want to see Stone Henge.." *pause* "But only if I can go INSIDE Stone Henge. None of this stuff about a fence & security guards."

She then suggested that I could just become a security guard at Stone Henge, & see it all the time. This was a simple, but plausible suggestion. Then I asked her if she'd ever read Tess of the D'Ubervilles. When she said no, I gave a somewhat confusing summary of the plot, finally reaching the reference to Stone Henge. This is how most of our nights go.

In conclusion, I feel like you should have active enough of an imagination to know within seconds what you'd like to do if given the chance, but you should also not regret your life so much that you're wishing every moment to be doing something else.