My Life as a Movie Star

Those times, all those times
so many, long-gazing up with my big eyes
and i was a child in a play that we'd set
two runaways and you couldn't get enough
all those times
in your attic house
with the voices below and banging
drifters at the door
i would sit on your old couch
in my hideout, while you went out
with your albums stacked on the floor
an old blanket keeping me warm
in that deep Fall
we built lies to fit the role
my world crumbling below

it couldn't have been wrong
i never once said it was wrong

Bucket List?

I don't necessarily believe in "bucket lists." If someone tells me they'd like to do something some day, I say, all right. Everybody's got dreams. But if you have a bucket list, what happens when you've finished? I figure you just live life as it comes, and if a chance opens up, you take it. There's no need to map out the years through your fantasies.

That being said, my co-worker's sister works for a hospice here in town. She was telling me about this program they have where they help their clients do something they've always wanted before they die. One guy wanted to go to a Royals game with his son, so they arranged everything and covered the expense of all the extras. Okay, its sentimental, I get it. But you can get good tickets to a Royals game on Ticketstub.com for like 15$ each. I thought for maybe 3 seconds before responding.

"I'd want to go to Greenland."

"Well, there's limit to their finances. I don't think they could afford Greenland."

"Well, then I'd want them to HELP me go to Greenland. See the viking settlements, hike the ice fields, go kayaking. And I really, really want to see some musk oxen."

 I thought for another moment.

"I'd also want to see Stone Henge.." *pause* "But only if I can go INSIDE Stone Henge. None of this stuff about a fence & security guards."

She then suggested that I could just become a security guard at Stone Henge, & see it all the time. This was a simple, but plausible suggestion. Then I asked her if she'd ever read Tess of the D'Ubervilles. When she said no, I gave a somewhat confusing summary of the plot, finally reaching the reference to Stone Henge. This is how most of our nights go.

In conclusion, I feel like you should have active enough of an imagination to know within seconds what you'd like to do if given the chance, but you should also not regret your life so much that you're wishing every moment to be doing something else.

Easy Day Mix

Something I put together a little less than 10 yrs ago. Several local Lawrence bands, plus a bunch of other old indie favs, & a few solids mixed in.

1. The Big Surrender - Ghosty
2. Your x-ray have come back from the lab.. - Jets to Brazil
3. President of What - Death Cab for Cutie
4. Let Us Know - Koufax
5. Birdhouse in Your Soul - They Might be Giants
6. Is it Any Wonder - Keane
7. Life is Grand - Old Canes
8. Superpowers - The Dismemberment Plan
9. California Waiting - Kings of Leon
10. Fishing for a Dream - Turin Brakes
11. The Best of Jill Hives - Guided by Voices
12. Heartbreakin' Man - My Morning Jacket
13, Best Looking Boys - The Promise Ring
13. As if I Hadn't Slept - Idlewild
14. Martyr Me - The Get Up Kids
15. Another Drink - Shaking Tree
16. You Don't Know How it Feels - Tom Petty
17. Better - Regina Spektor

Another Important List

In my top favorite songs, I mentioned that you'd see much more variety if I listed my top 20 songs, or top albums. So here is the latter, in no particular order. A bit different from the impression my top 10 songs gave, yeah? Some are just immaculate albums, others are personal favorites.

Top 10 Albums

III - Led Zeppelin
London Calling - The Clash
Battle of Los Angeles - Rage Against the Machine
Vs. - Pearl Jam
Early Morning Hymns - Old Canes
Stadium Arcadium - Red Hot Chili Peppers
The Animal - Richard Walters
Yankee Hotel Foxtrot - Wilco
I'm Wide Awake, Its Morning - Bright Eyes
Pinkerton - Weezer

All At Once

I'm going to try to write this without seeming too nauseatingly philosophical. I've just been thinking a lot the past.. well, 5+ years. Mainly typical stuff about "am I living up to where I wanted to be, WHO I wanted to be, who everyone EXPECTS me to be," and I've got to say, its a bit tiring. I know I'm not alone in this strange upper-20's/30-something crisis. People in my generation have learned to take a stand and not settle for something that will ultimately cause them suffering - dead-end jobs, relationships, etc. Unfortunately, there's a good number of us who have made it to the age of 30 without any resolution in sight. Maybe we were too restless during our college years, maybe too focused on our career or a relationship, and now feel like we're missing something. Whatever the case, the idea of where we'd be at age 30 as imagined by our 5 or even 10 year old selves, is not even close to where we find ourselves today. Meanwhile, those peers who were calm and accepting during their early 20's are married to their perfect equal, and may have one or two adorable children. They make good money doing what they love, and probably own a house. In one sense, they've passed us by in success. Maybe you can understand how all these scenarios can plague someone like me, who is beginning to wonder if "the American dream" is going to find its way into my life. You know what, though? Forget the American Dream. Before that dream there were settlers, traders, vagabonds, etc. Its not like America has always been one big happy suburban family.

A couple days ago I was mulling over a few ideas, and it really got me to look at things a bit differently. So here it goes: We all die. Life doesn't go on forever. I've always understood and accepted this, but it still makes me a little uneasy. Some people are terrified of death and don't even like to acknowledge their own mortality. Its a difficult question - why doesn't everyone get to live a full life? Why are some taken early on when the future was so promising? Well, the future is never a guarantee. Most of us don't like to think about it, but we're only temporary. So with that in mind, why am I sweating over who I'm going to be, and if I'm going to make all the "right memories" before my time comes so I'll feel fulfilled? I'm not going to remember them when I'm dead! So what's the point, right?

Don't misunderstand me, I'm not saying nothing matters and there is no point to anything. You've got to look at the whole picture. You're a member of the human race. You're one person in billions on this earth, and just one tiny mark in history. So why are you so focused on what YOU personally are going to accomplish in YOUR lifetime for YOUR benefit? Here's the thing: the best anyone can do in their lifetime is to recognize their natural gifts, and then use those to their full extent to help the living world & the human race, either remotely or on a greater scale. If you accomplish this, you're going to leave a legacy - whether the memory of you is passed down through your family, or you're recognized throughout history. Either way, you've made a difference! You've given something to the greater good and kept things churning.

Think about the people you really admire. Think about a person you see everyday that makes you feel better about the world. Think about those artists, geniuses, and humanitarians who have a sense of wise reserve about them. They're not in your face with what they can personally do, they're not pointing out other people's flaws to make themselves look better. They're just doing what they love, what they believe in, and ultimately you've seen what an impression they make. So do what you do, and help who you can. I feel like its better than living in daydreams and giving into fear of failure or oppression.

As for love and feeling fulfilled, I have to believe it will come naturally if we're reaching our individual potentials. Then there is only love and understanding, not a need to be rescued.

That's all, folks.

I'm proud to say that because of my age and experience, I now not only know what I want in a car, housing, or even a mate, but also how to search and find exactly that. Okay, so not as much luck in finding a mate, mainly b/c the kind I've concluded that I'm looking for isn't out chatting up girls at the local bar, or on an online dating site. You apparently have to wait, watch, and work for it once my kind of guy finally surfaces.. and then usually wait some more.. and work some more, but only diligently enough to not come across as overexhuberant; crack through a wall, but only enough for them to take notice as they would a new bird at their window, go through a bit of trial and error.. mainly error... its a complex process, trying to find the perfect way to slide into their world without upsetting their natural habitat.. I'm still waiting on the results.

The car and housing though, I've spent enough years on both of those to know exactly what you should and should not be looking for and at. Besides locating these things much quicker than I used to, I've heard stories from "newbies" on the subject, and I have to say, I'm shocked someone could be so dense and naive. But! You live and learn. Unfortunately I'm thinking some of these young'uns don't seem to have the same amount of common sense as I do. (Seriously, you sign a lease before even walking through the vacant apartment?? I can find loopholes in your contract, but c'mon. Not when you've agreed to everything, sight unseen. Didn't your parents teach you anything?)

Back to the mate, because now I've started thinking. I've always wanted to live in a house on the edge of some kind of amazing landscape. I first came up with this dream on top of the Rimrocks above Billings, MT. We'd gone up there with my cousins and aunt (who have always lived there) and my aunt pointed out this cool house on the edge of the cliff that she said was owned and designed by an architect and his wife. Behind the house, on the other side of the drive, (and I don't know if this is still that way because of housing developements,) the land became like something out of A River Runs Through it. That's what I wanted. Or just a little cottage with gardens I could work, in a little village somewhere. OR a bit of land where I'd have like 5 dog, some cats, a couple of goats, maybe a llama.. You have to have dreams. Moreover, you have to have determination in those dreams. Will it ever work out? Will I end up living instead with a long-time friend in a house in New England with a bunch of cats? Who knows! (Probably not though, b/c both of us are set in our ways when it comes to having our own place. It would be more likely that we'd have adjacent cottages, and live like those "odd women" they wrote about before the 1900's who grew herbs and kept to themselves.) So no! I don't want a husband that works a 9-5 office job, especially one he hates and has no meaning. I don't want to sit on the couch every night of the week watching the prime time sitcoms. You know, the best marriage I've ever seen, and what I still think works perfectly for the right kind of people, is that of the organ builder who I met this Spring. He has his home and shop outside of Seattle, WA. However, 4-6 months out of the year he's either traveling to do some work on installed organs, or living in another location while he installs his latest creation. Guess what his wife does. She handles a lot of his administration work, but she is also an artist.. and she has an apartment in Houston. MIND-BLOWING. I love it! Seriously. That is the key. Do your own thing, be supportive of your partner doing theirs, and you still have a mutual home and someone to love. BAM. That's all, folks.


*And yes, I do love Looney Tunes.

Lazy Drive (mixtape, playlist)

Forever Longing the Golden Sunsets - The Appleseed Cast
Hey, Hey, What Can I Do - Led Zeppelin
Lost in the Supermarket - The Clash
Here Comes Your Man - The Pixies
I Summon You - Spoon
Don't Say You Don't - Maritime
Last Dance With Mary Jane - Tom Petty
Dramamine - Modest Mouse
Kamera - Wilco
Overdue - The Get Up Kids
Always See Your Face - Love
The Song Was Right - Old Canes
Closer to You - Brandi Carlisle
Falling - Ben Kweller