Is This What You Wanted?

October is my favorite month, Autumn my favorite season, and tomorrow I'm running away as far and for as long as I can (which isn't much on either counts.) I'm going away from a mundane office job with hypocritical supervisors; away from rejection, from loneliness in the midst of crowds, from people in arrested development & adult cliques; away from the frustration of being stuck and struggling to break free. I'm driving alone to Wisconsin to my older brother's sprawling house on sprawling acreage with giant trees and miles and miles of open space; to a place with people who know me, who understand my way, people I grew up with, who aren't trying to be anyone they're not. People who are just as relieved to be around someone equally comfortable with them. I'm going to shoot the homemade bow & arrows my brother made for his wife & girls, climb in the treehouse with my niece, and go out in my socks to throw balls for their dog in the chilly morning. I even told my brother he could wait to go to an antique salvage yard, so I could tag along.

I like to tag along with my big brother. I like to wear sneakers & jeans & hoodies b/c no one cares, and do whatever I like without feeling like I have to do something socially acceptable in someone's house, b/c I'M acceptable, and no one cares. Because these are people who grow & pick their own apples, and then spend a week making all sorts of homemade apple stuffs, including cider. Who make beer & wine, and renovate their entire house on their own, and have careers they love & creativity left over, and go out bike riding with their kids, and have shelves and shelves of books in every room, and have cabinets with drawers that say "interesting things," "useful things," & "neither." And quite honestly, I am lost without those people, b/c they are who I always knew I was, and who I always wanted to be. Not alone, going through motions, trying to find a chance, waiting to find someone else similar to me. I told my mom recently that I just wanted to be around the kind of people I grew up with, and she said that gave her hope that maybe I would give up chasing windmills. What else is there to chase when you have never yet been able to catch up with what you've always needed? When your timing has always been a little off?

Every kind of freedom has its own bonds. And while I'm as free now as I've ever been, while I can do anything I want to do without being told I can't... there is a certain sadness always present. A sadness I think too many people know all too well. So I head down the open road again, trying to find a peace away from these confines; to feel accepted & included; to feed the restlessness inside me for a few months longer, until I finally find a change to suit me.

Confessions of an Independent Woman

Remember that old Destiny's Child song Independent Women? Well if you love bad remake movies with hot chicks or bad attempts at girl power, you sure do. If not, here's a little "slice of heaven." See what I did there?

Enjoyed that, did you? Well somehow I've reached the personification of that song, and honestly I not only don't know how, but am not all together sure why its so glamorous. I never realized that girls look up to women like me, but I've been told by other women my age that not only do they envy me, but their teenage girls want to be just like me when they grow up. Seriously? No, that's actually what they say. "I want to be like Lisa when I'm older. Working two jobs, having my own place, and not having to rely on a stupid man for support. She doesn't have kids, and can do whatever she wants."

All right. I guess from an outside birdseye view that's all good, though not even close to what I wanted when I was a teeenager. Not exactly what I want now either, but I guess its where I'm at.

Its true that I've always been a bit of a loner. I could go into hashing it out, but its mainly just my personality - INFP if you're familiar with Meyers-Briggs. I like to do my own thing, be in my own head, not have a lot of high energy in my personal space. So I pay to have my own apartment. I don't need to have a man (though it would be nice) I don't need to have friends around at all times, or need to live with someone. There are so many women out there in bad relationships b/c they can't bear to be alone, or live unsupported. Well, I've never much taken to low self-esteem, so being on my own isn't something I dread.. but there are some downsides to all of this.

The dark, miserable side of being an Independent Woman:

I pay for all my own stuff, yes - BUT I also work two jobs so I can. Not a lot of free time for this girl. My personal life is far from glamorous.

I don't take whatever man comes along who is interested in me - BUT that leaves a lot of lonely nights & frustration without someone to compliment my personality.

I can go out when I want to - BUT I don't necessarily have friends to go with. Since I decided to be restless & rebellious when I was younger instead of settling down like most normal, intelligent people I'm used to, I tend to be at a loss for those of my kind. Most others like me are okay with doing their own thing, or staying in their own little comfortable clique. So I either don't go out, end up alone, or go out with less desirable acquaintances that either ruin the night or get us into trouble.

So, there you have it. I guess I don't really know what else to say on this issue, b/c honestly, I really wanted to be a secret agent like Charlie's Angels, so this is all a bit of a let down to me.

But HEY! I'm not in a controlling relationship, I pay my own bills, & that car I drive?.... I BOUGHT IT. Okay, that does feel nice to say.

IF by Ruyard Kipling

The wisest words I can offer for any difficult situation that threatens to bring you down are from Ruyard Kipling... obviously written for a male, but I feel like all but the last line can apply to anyone.. b/c sometimes things are just so unfair & uncalled for, and even if you break down & sob for a bit, in the end you just can't let it get to you:


IF you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise:

If you can dream - and not make dreams your master;
If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools:

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breathe a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: 'Hold on!'

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
'Or walk with Kings - nor lose the common touch,
if neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And - which is more - you'll be a Man, my son!

What the...

Look, I'm into futuristic technology as much as the next person, and considerably less than actual scientists and tech geeks. I'm always excited to read about new medical procedures and technology that either solve an issue or lengthen the life of a anatomical structure. Likewise, I find it fascinating to read about other gadgets that are being created either to push the boundaries of science or for practical use. Then there are the developement that make you go... Why? Why would you spend time & money on something like that? Why do you feel we actually need something so high tech for something so basic? Here's today example from the weather channel website: Tornado proof houses

http://www.weather.com/home-garden/tornado-proof-home-could-retreat-underground-20130712

I've lived in Kansas since the age of 10, half of which was spent in a tiny town in the middle of nowhere Tornado Alley. Severe storms scared the shit out of me. I was fully aware that a tornado could develop & wipe out our little community. Only it didn't. There were only a couple of times there was one nearby, and it was out by a farm place on the plains. In fact, my 62 yr old dad has lived in rural Kansas most of his life, and has never even seen a tornado. This isn't to say there isn't a risk, or that some areas are more likely to get hit several times, b/c everyone knows there always will be. But do we really need a house that is "aware of its surroundings" that can retreat underground at the first sign of a tornado? The article says it the project was started as an alternative to mobile homes in at risk areas. You think someone who has invested in one of the lowest cost living accomodations is going to be your top customer for something that high-tech? Probably the oldest settler home building strategies for energy efficiency & weatherproofing is just the opposite of this proposal, and utilizies geography. Earthen/dugout houses. Not too difficult. Probably a lot cheaper to deal with than a mechanical house, especially if you're going to be digging a hole anyway for it to reatreat into. I've never really understood why there are mobile home courts on flat plains with no geographical protection in the first place. That's always seemed like a no-brainer to me, right? I've also been confused at the amount of houses in rural kansas/oklahoma that don't have basements. Its just common sense. The retirement house my grandparents built across from their main farm was built into a hill, and I never once felt in danger during a severe storm... b/c we were IN the ground. So maybe instead of spending who knows how many millions of dollars on something that will inevitably malfunction, why not just rely on nature for protection from nature? Its how the world was meant to work. Instead of trailer parks, just dig out some holes in the side of a hill & call it a cave community. BAM.

Pure Expression

Airborne Toxic Event - The Book of Love (Magnetic Fields cover)

White on white

Judge me if you'd like, but I still love this album. You wouldn't believe the feeling I had flying into Baltimore a few years ago when I discovered it was raining... b/c its raining in Baltimore, baby.

Heart Strings

While our family was out at dinner tonight, my father had several calls during which he was informed his eldest brother had unexpectedly passed away. My aunt had first called my mom with the final report, so when his younger brother called, he got up from the table to stand by the window in the restaurant. My sister-in-law told my soon-to-be 6 yr old niece that grandpa's brother had died. Without being told, without saying a word, she got up and went over to where he was standing with his phone, and put her arms around him. She continued to stand with him until he was finished with the call, and as we all gathered our things, she stayed behind & walked out with him. That simple, unabashed gesture of comfort and strength was one of the most awe-inspiring things I've witnessed in awhile. If only we all had the assurance to reach out and do what is needed, without fear of rejection or reproach.