Fight for a Decent Life

I like to consider myself a survivalist. I've been through a lot of pain in my life, a few times down the rabbit hole, a couple times at the bottom of the hole. But when it comes down to it, I learned a long time ago that there's really nothing to do but keep moving on. I've never believed suicide to be the easy way out (though I understand how some can get so mixed up, they can't tell up from down, and become absorbed in their affliction) I value the experience and precious moments of life too dearly to have ever considered it a realistic option. Some of my friends may have regretted this statement in the past, but my motto has always been: "bad experience is still experience." Its about the stories - about being in that moment in time - because in the story of life, you want to find out how the main character survives, how they cope, what they think & feel, despite any hell they've been through.

Most people are shocked to find out I have fibromyalgia. I don't outwardly fit the profile of all those people who dote on their diagnosis like its a life sentence - a diagnosis that is often not even correct. Physically, anatomically, I am a classic textbook case. You wouldn't know it though, b/c I approach things with a natural, investigative, and die-hard spirit. This is a syndrome that you have to fight, or you will fall down & waste away.

After many years of doing my own research to get to the bottom of this "mystery disorder," I finally asked a trusted chiropractor who believed in a non-invasive wholistic approach to healing. He told me, in basic terms, that something happens in the health history of a fibromyalgia patien which short-circuits certain pain neurotransmitters in the body. Well, luck me, I was just the wild, free-running girl to have suffered two injuries that marked significant points in my progression. The first incident occurred during a break at catechism class one night in my early teens, in which I climbed up a tree to retrieve a football. In the dark, I stepped on a dead branch, and promptly fell 12 feet like a stone. I was knocked unconscious for about 15min, and woke up with a brief spell of amnesia. (Of course, back then concussions weren't considered serious unless they put you in the hospital. Though I still have a slight scar on the frontal lobe of my brain, according to an MRI from 2010.) The second incident occured several years later during my first year of college, I was walking to class & hit a patch of ice, which literally swept my legs out from under me, landing me directly on my tailbone. I visited the local chiropractor who said my x-rays showed my lumbar spine had been compacted like mangled railroad tracks. He used traction & stretches to adjust them back into place, but its been the root of a lot of my pain since. After that, I began to notice odd little things. my calves would ache from walking up a flight of stairs. I would exercise, and my muscles would become so tight that I'd try to do yoga to stretch them out. They'd only get worse. I eventually ended up wearing a knee brace b/c my hamstrings, quads, and IT band were so tight I was having difficultly walking. I went to a family sports medicine doctor/chiropractor that next summer who marveled that my muscles just wouldn't release. Yeah, marvelous. It was literally a pain in the ass. I felt like I had lead running through my blood. My outlook on life was rather bleak during that time. I was lovelorn, in deep pain, and going nowhere in life. The summer heat was torturous. The bitter winter cold made my joints feel like broken hinges. It took a couple specialists, a few experiments with prescriptions, and quite a bit of time to figure out how I could personally deal with my issues the best. Most people will agree that the college years are confusing enough for an individual. Well, 2002 was my year from hell. However, as much struggle I went through with some of those closest to me, I can honestly say now that I am lucky enough to have an amazingly supportive set of parents.

I first started looking at natural methods of pain relief when I was in my early teens. I made sure to understand the importance of proper exercise technique to strengthen supporting muscles, and not strain my back. I started looking into yoga & pilates, and even using some basic energy techniques to help my headaches. I hear a lot of massage therapy students saying they "thought it might be fun" to do massage. Well, I got into massage therapy, b/c my entire body hurt all of the time, and I wanted to use my own experience to help others. That being said, I do get my occasional fibromyalgia patient, and yes, they are SHOCKED when I tell them I've had it for a little more than 10 years. How am I so active, so in shape, so kept together? Its not easy, but its something I've worked hard to live with. You see, when you have a chronic condition, especially when you have so much life ahead of you, you absolutely have to find a way to keep yourself going, and  a lot of that involves maintaining your own health.

Most clients I see who claim to have fibromyalgia are doing all the wrong things. A good deal don't even understand what it is, and have just been labeled as having it b/c their doctor hears they're in pain, & jump to that diagnosis. They complain that they can't get out of bed. They're tired all the time. How can they possibly exercise if they're in so much pain? Well, first of all, you absolutely must get out of bed and do something active. It doesn't have to be aggressive, and honestly, agressive exercise is probably not the best idea. Pilates is a great way to tone muscles, stretch your sore joints, and basically get your body moving without stressing it out. You also absolutely have to drink water. A lot of fibromyalgia patients say they don't like water. Well, any simple person is going to have pain if they're dehydrated all the time, lay in bed all day, and don't get the right nutrients. You've really got to keep on top of it. Yes, I am on a daily NSAID, Cymbalta, and iron supplements, but I feel its important to find the most effective combination involving the least amount of prescriptions. You start taking 5 or more, and you become chemically saturated. Things start interacting, and adding more isn't going to help anything - but it will probably hurt your cause with all the side effects. Another major must is a good nutrient supplement. I take a vitamin powder called Reliv, so I can absorb all the vitamin-ey goodness. Vegetables, protein, these are all no-brainer nutrition items. I will be the first to say I'm terrible at keeping up on that last one, but I can really tell a difference when I do.

So yes, when it comes down to it, I'm not a specialist. I'm not a nutritionist. I'm only a massage therapist who has battled this thing for years. I get tired more easily than some, I sleep more, I have flares when I might be in more pain than usual. I'm a bit more sensitive to overloads of noise & chaos, & sometimes extreme temperatures throw me off, and I feel like my mind goes blank more than it should, but I deal with it - b/c I'm only 31 years old, and I feel like I've always been a fighter.  In the end, You do what you have to do to live life the best you can.

Random Memoir

One of the most distinct ways I remember my mom as she was when I was younger is her sitting in the front passenger seat of our car as my dad drove us down the highway, her bare feet resting on the dash as she sang along with the rock 'n roll "oldies" she grew up with. She always seemed so free & happy, her head luxuriously resting back on the seat, sunglasses hiding her eyes, as she lounged in the sun & drank in the breeze from the open windows.

There were also several nights when I would run to hug her after they had been out at some benefit, concert, dinner, etc. I should have been in bed, but I was never one to follow the rules. I remember being engulfed in her camel hair dress coat, soaked in the delicious scent of the cold night air & Tresor. I remember that sweet, warm aroma, alive with the sharp chill. We children were spoiled to have her home with us so much. We didn't much like her going out for occasions, and leaving us behind.

Reservations

There was a time when this song just killed me. What am I saying? It still tears me apart.

Wilco - Reservations

Fun Pop Smarshmellow

You may see this as an odd combination. You may see a few guilty pleasures that maybe you think are out of place. You'll be suprised how well this works. Great driving music!

Ting Tings - Not My Name
Rhianna - Don't Stop the Music
ZZ Top - La Grange
Yeah Yeah Yeahs - Black Tongue
Kings of Leon - Holy Roller Novocaine
Spoon - Back to the Life
The Strokes - Juicebox
Rebel Yell - Billy Idol
Goldfrapp - Strict Machine
Britney Spear - Toxic
Jennifer Lopez - Get Right (ft. Fab)
Lily Allen - Smile
Beyonce - Crazy in Love
The Fratellis - Flathead
Beck - Black Tamborine
Phantom Planet - Big Brat
The Pixies - Tame

Beneath, Within

"Even in our sleep, pain which cannot forget falls drop by drop upon the heart until, in our own despair, against our will, comes wisdom through the awful grace of God." - Aeschylus

My Life as a Movie Star

Those times, all those times
so many, long-gazing up with my big eyes
and i was a child in a play that we'd set
two runaways and you couldn't get enough
all those times
in your attic house
with the voices below and banging
drifters at the door
i would sit on your old couch
in my hideout, while you went out
with your albums stacked on the floor
an old blanket keeping me warm
in that deep Fall
we built lies to fit the role
my world crumbling below

it couldn't have been wrong
i never once said it was wrong

Bucket List?

I don't necessarily believe in "bucket lists." If someone tells me they'd like to do something some day, I say, all right. Everybody's got dreams. But if you have a bucket list, what happens when you've finished? I figure you just live life as it comes, and if a chance opens up, you take it. There's no need to map out the years through your fantasies.

That being said, my co-worker's sister works for a hospice here in town. She was telling me about this program they have where they help their clients do something they've always wanted before they die. One guy wanted to go to a Royals game with his son, so they arranged everything and covered the expense of all the extras. Okay, its sentimental, I get it. But you can get good tickets to a Royals game on Ticketstub.com for like 15$ each. I thought for maybe 3 seconds before responding.

"I'd want to go to Greenland."

"Well, there's limit to their finances. I don't think they could afford Greenland."

"Well, then I'd want them to HELP me go to Greenland. See the viking settlements, hike the ice fields, go kayaking. And I really, really want to see some musk oxen."

 I thought for another moment.

"I'd also want to see Stone Henge.." *pause* "But only if I can go INSIDE Stone Henge. None of this stuff about a fence & security guards."

She then suggested that I could just become a security guard at Stone Henge, & see it all the time. This was a simple, but plausible suggestion. Then I asked her if she'd ever read Tess of the D'Ubervilles. When she said no, I gave a somewhat confusing summary of the plot, finally reaching the reference to Stone Henge. This is how most of our nights go.

In conclusion, I feel like you should have active enough of an imagination to know within seconds what you'd like to do if given the chance, but you should also not regret your life so much that you're wishing every moment to be doing something else.