Total Girl Moment

Why does it seem that all women are born with this illogical desire to own each and every pair of cute shoes they see? I never thought of myself as having a shoe problem, but over the past few years, I've found myself staring at ridiculously overpriced pairs of ballet flats, boots, etc., that I might only wear once or twice, thinking how adorable they would be, even for that instance. Its a curse. I think I've done well with controlling this female urge thus far, and only own, oh... 15 pairs? But a girl HAS TO have that many! Each outfit demands a certain style, a certain ambiance. You say something completely different about your look if you wear Chucks with jeans as opposed to a nice pair of slip-on Oxfords (and I must say here that I LOOOOVE my brown Oxfords. As in, I can't believe I was lucky enough to purchase a pair of shoes so unbelievably comfortable, cute, and versatile, all at a great price! b/c of course, you have to buy everything on sale. Its not a find if you pay full price. Unless its something amazing that you just have to splurge on right then and there.. like this single-shoulder, deep purple, soft faux-suede, ruffled blouse I just bought b/c IT. IS. GORGEOUS. and makes me look like a goddess.)

Back to the shoes... I was out with my mom shopping for fall/winter boots tonight, and while she was looking for a very specific type of knee-length black heeled boot, I just wasn't in the mood to get anything. Excepting that those mid-calf suede boots with the fur and tassles that appear to have jumped right out of a Viking settlement just looked so damn adorable. I'd never wanted a pair of anything resembling those, but now they're insulated and water-proof! And c'mon, I'm Danish. With a pair of leggings I'd look more like a Viking vixen than any of those skinny sororitites out there. OK, I didn't buy them. I couldn't justify it. I could only think of a couple of times that I'd actually wear them, and that wasn't good enough for me to throw my money at. Granted, I did go directly into a shop that seems to have appeared out of nowhere that is soooo cuuuuuute, where I bought the aforementioned blouse, and who on earth knows when I will EVER get the chance to wear that.. but I digress.. again.

Now that I think about it, I believe it starts at a very young age with Barbie dolls and dress-up. Barbie dolls have every accessory and shoe available to them that little girls can mix and match with each outfit. Why wouldn't we be allowed to do the same thing when we're adults? But then does Barbie have all those shoes and outfits b/c the lavishly dressed divas of reality inspired her wardrobe? Is it the chicken or the egg?? There have always been rich women, but then again, there have always been dolls. So I guess it just comes down to the innate desire to have more and as much as possible, only in women the obsession seems to be directed toward fashion. Is it b/c we love pretty things, or does it have a deeper psychological root? I think we're getting into a more serious area of discussion here than I had originally planned, so I will stop with this: We went into Nordstroms tonight, and found they have a Shoe Salon. A SHOE SALON. There is a man there dressed full out in a 5piece suit and tie to assist you in finding the perfect pair. We went over to browse through the rows included in the boot sale, and found pairs marked down to $250. We took the hint, and promptly left.

Home is where....

My whole life I've struggled with the answer to one question. In fact, for the longest time, I was confused as to what people were really wanting to know. For a little kid, this shouldn't be such a difficult problem. "What is your hometown?" Seems simple enough, right? Well, I didn't understand what that meant. Did they want to know where I was born? Is that what it means? I was born in Cheyenne, Wyoming.. but we moved when I was 3 years old. So could I really feel comfortable saying that was my "hometown?" I didn't grow up there. I certainly have no roots there. (I do have an insatiable love for the mountains and the vast wide open, but who wouldn't?) After the age of 3, we moved until I was 10 years old, which is when we settled in Kansas. Now when people ask, I tell them I spent most of my time growing up around Lyndon, KS. We lived there for a good 10 years before my parents moved again while we were all away at college. The home - the house - the small, tiny town; that was my home, but I am not able to go back to it. Sometimes I greatly envy those people who can go back to their childhood homes. The memories. Being able to sleep in their old rooms. I often have dreams about my house. It seems cruel to be a nomad half your life, to settle down for one portion, then move on again.

Now everyone is scattered around the country. Immediate family, childhood friends, college friends, cousins, etc. No one in the same area, either. Its like they all picked different corners of this gigantic country and decided to spread out. Such is life, I suppose. Though when home is to be found in loved ones, and no one is in the same place, it can sometimes get depressing.

I've felt misplaced for quite awhile now, unable to feel like I've found my home, and I'm trying to decide why. I lived in Lawrence, KS for a good 8 years, and while I now often refer to it as my hometown - where I was able to do a lot of growing, and the one place I feel able to call my own - it never felt like it was meant to be my settling place. So I'm on another stepping stone, trying to decide where to go from here. At this point in my life, I have no pressing reason to be in any specific location. Some might be envious of that situation, but it can sometimes drive a girl mad. Home is where the heart is. My heart is floating free, and is so confused.

Some Rock 'n Roll

Awhile ago I compiled a list of all the bands that I have gone to see live. Now, I realize there are people who have seen many more bands than this.. but I also realize there are people who have seen much less.. so it doesn't matter.  These are all bands that tour and have a professional album. I've seen a lot of local bands, but I didn't feel like listing them all. oh yeah, and not all of the opening bands are listed, b/c they were either too terrible or not important enough for me to remember (though I usually forget the name, the experience is never lost, so we can still laugh)  Also, like all of life's experiences, I could probably tell an interesting story about most any concert on this list. So, here we go:

Old 97's

Garbage
U2
Weezer - 2
Tenacious D
Super Furry Animals
Jimmy Eat World
Pete Yorn
AM Radio
Cursive
Wilco

Jay Farrar
Ben Kweller
Pearl Jam
Idlewild
The Sounds - 2
Kill Hannah - 2
Ozma
Nada Surf
Rooney
The White Stripes
Quintron and Miss Pussycat
The Yeah Yeah Yeahs
Midtown
Reggie and the Full Effect
The Strokes
Eagles of Death Metal
The Get Up Kids
Maritime
Ultimate Fakebook
Mewithoutyou - 2
Anberlin
The Faint - 2
Bright Eyes
Chris Isaak
Natalie Merchant
The Blood Brothers
Blood, Sweat, & Tears
The Appleseed Cast
Michelle Branch (the only thing we could find on my 21st bday....)
Spoon - 2
Ben Folds - 2
The Old Canes - 4
Midday Ramblers - 3
Shiny Toy Guns
Civil Twilight - 2
Placebo
The Billions - 2
Koufax
A Silent Film - 3
Brendan Benson
Dropsonic - 2
The Foo Fighters
Cake
Smashing Pumpkins
The Airborne Toxic Event - 2 (AMAZING)
Minus the Bear

There are also a few that I don't even want to admit that I've seen b/c of circumstances like waiting for the next act and the band was so bad the guy at the door let me in for free. *cough*Simple Plan*cough* oh god, that was terrible.


Moving on, I've started thinking about the bands that are still on my must see list. There are only two bands that really sticks out in my mind: Modest Mouse and Death Cab for Cutie. I've always missed out when they've been in town, and they are probably the last bands I would LOVE to see. (Actually I could've gone to see them in Lawrence with Nikki, but a certain guy had told us he could get us tickets to The Mars Volta, so we held out on spending our money. Yeah.. That didn't work out.) A few others that come to mind: Beck, Jimmy Eat World again (its been awhile,) The Swell Season or Glen Hansard, Silversun Pickups...

The others are more or less older bands that I just feel wouldn't do themselves justice as they would've done back in their prime. So, here is a list of concerts I would've liked to see at the band's peak, if time was no object:

Led Zeppelin (OF COURSE)
The Clash
Queen
The Beatles (obviously)
Nirvana
Beastie Boys! (RIP MCA)
The Pixies
The Rolling Stones (early years, just for good rock 'n roll measure)
Rage Against the Machine (hell yes!)

There are SO many other bands from the past that I would've liked to see, but I couldn't begin to list them all. I know you're sitting there coming up with a list of those I haven't mentioned, but lets just say I would've liked to have taken in every decade. That covers a lot of bases. A lot of stuff from 1965-1975, though. Think of an artist in that time period, and I probably would've liked to have seen them. For instance, Jefferson Airplane. Jimi Hendrix. Bob Dylan. Ok, you get the idea... Similar idea with the punk/post-punk era. That would be kind of fun to experience, right?

Seasons of Mist

Well, congratulations to the US Central Plains for finally jumping into the seasonal routine. I can finally wear a jacket outside, and the fall foliage is becoming quite lovely. Thankfully I was able to take a trip to the North and East this October (the most precious of months,) and was able to take in an Autumn to remember. I'm beginning to miss the magical region that is central Pennsylvania, with is winding roads, gentle mountains, deep streams, and old buildings dotting the countryside.

Glorious Autumn! Besides the colorful scenery, there is always so much to do in the Fall. Did you know there are people that have never been to a pumpkin patch? I was appalled! Who are these people, and where do I find them? I will take them on a tractor-pulled wagon right now! There's apple picking and cider, fall festivals, and bonfires. Anything to get you out in a hoodie in that crisp and chilly weather!

The most exciting part of October obviously comes at the end.. the very end. I belong to that population of adults who may have grown up, but still carry a strong love for the holiday of Halloween. In fact, I think my love for it may have grown as I've aged, since it was mainly about the candy and trick-or-treating when we were kids. I've never been into the grotesque, living-dead, bloody ax-murderer stuff. My parents never allowed us to get into that sort of thing, and I now kind of agree with them. To me, Halloween is a mystical time for spirits and creatures, and letting your imagination thrive. It is easy to feel the energy of its Samhain origins in the October night chill. In Celtic tradition, this was a time when the border between the living and the Otherworld became thin. So for some, the tradition of warding off bad spirits by wearing costumes to mimic or scare, has turned into a commercial horror-fest. However I, like many others, like to take this time as an opportunity to let the imaginative spirits inside come alive, and become what I possibly couldn't be any other time of the year.

 I was very pleased when I threw my first Halloween party back in 2004. Not only did people show up to carve pumpkins beforehand, but everyone came back dressed in full costume...some of which had taken a lot of thought. After that, the annual costume party was something to look forward to every October. Well, until everyone moved away.

And of course, there are the movies. This is the time of the year when I will watch anything with a little mysticism and spook. Anything to get me in the spirit. That said, even though it is now a 17 year old Disney movie, I still have to watch Hocus Pocus each year. Its just a must. I've already gotten it out of the way this year with my brother and sister-in-law in Pennsylvania (they even made up a drinking game - drink whenever you're ashamed to be watching it. ha!) Other good bets:

Spooky Musts
Legend of Sleepy Hollow
The Haunting
The Omen
Dracula

Witchy Goodness
The Craft
The Witches of Eastwick
Practical Magic

Harmless Fun
Young Frankenstein
The Halloween Tree
Its the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown
Beetlejuice
Death Becomes Her

You might be wondering about the absence of the most common extreme horror flicks. I'm not really a big fan of blood and gore. I like supernatural suspense and bizarre twists, just not really crazed maniacs with chainsaws. Ooh. But I will say that Shaun of the Dead is a nice little addition to any movie night this time of the year!

Happy Haunting!!

Writer's Block

There are times when I am afraid of the writing process. Afraid of the blank page staring back at me, and the unsatisfying words that I know I'll inevitably scrawl across its surface. I have too many stories built up in my head from years of pushing them back again. When I try to focus on one such plot, another emerges with a greater sense of urgency, until their paths are crossed, and I'm all muddled up. I want to focus. To make my brain stand still for a moment, and really walk through a world I have created. I feel so old, like my time and opportunity are slipping away. I've never had the desire to write a book. Only strings of lovely lines that linger on the tongue and make a print in your brain. Who am I to think that I could amount to anything? When have the goals of a daydreamer ever come true?

IF

I've decided that I love working in a hospital. Its a great place to work, if you've ever wondered, probably one of the best. You get incredibly good benefits, and no matter what your position, you always know that you're helping others. You don't even need to be working directly with the patients. As long as you're working in and for the hospital, you're working for the good of other people. I've never been able to find satisfaction in a job unless I'm somehow helping someone, so this helps me to stay content with my employment (something not easily done.) Its all around me. Everyone is there to help someone. That is the point of our institution!

I'm reminded of that daily, usually by the time I set foot inside the building, if not before. The first time you see another person, you know why you're there. "Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle." ~Plato. This is the easiest phrase to remember while walking through a hospital. You have no idea why any one person is in that place, but you can almost guarantee that they are having to deal with something they'd rather not.. or at least something out of their daily routine. Now I am usually an impatient person by nature, especially with the public. I'm negative, judgmental, so on, etc. So many people are stupid and get in the way. But in the hospital, I've found it much easier to overlook and forgive minor setbacks. Nobody really wants to be there, and they're probably just as confused as the next person. Something that I probably say at least twice a day, if not more: "oh, it's fine. not a problem!" (I wonder if this demeanor is why random people have no problem addressing me in public.. ie: the old woman in O'Hare who stopped me b/c her cell phone wouldn't work. hmm.)

I also love the constant flow of action in a hospital. There is always something going on. I don't actually want to be directly involved with said action, but its exciting to see it happening around me. Tonight I was walking back from the cafeteria, and two cops came running around the corner from the direction of the ER, headed toward the main building. One had his hand on the gun at his hip. I casually took a step to the side, and kept walking. Sometimes its good to know that my department is locked down 24/7.

So I was thinking. If I ever wanted to move (and yes, I do want to relocate,) this could be a fun sort of plan. Pick a metropolitan area, look at the US News list of Best Hospitals for the highest awarded hospital in the area, and search and apply for a position at said institution. Even at part-time, most hospitals still offer full benefits, so I still do massage, if I so choose. Ah, it seems so easy.
I'd like to redo some of my past decisions, please.

I Always Believed in Futures

Perception is a complicated and bizarre phenomena. Whether it be my vivid imagination or some deep complex thought process gone haywire, sometimes I will come across a situation that will throw off my perception of reality for a brief second or two, and cause my brain to go into panic mode until I can come up with a reasonable explanation. Maybe most people don't live in this half-fantasy world where everything could be something else, and suddenly it can feel like you've stepped into an alternate universe. It isn't something for which I strive, but it does make life interesting.

I'll start with something simple. One day I was in my parents basement talking to my mom from around the corner. She was sitting at the computer with my cat on the back of her shoulders, but as I walked around the corner, all I saw was a cat where my mom's head should be. So for maybe not even 2 seconds my brain froze trying to assess the situation as to how my mom's head suddenly turned into a cat. Was I talking to a person with a cat head this whole time? Where was I, and what on earth was going on? Now I'm not crazy. I know this sort of thing doesn't just happen. As I said, it didn't take longer than 2 seconds, but in that tiny amount of time, my brain tried to process something so unusual that it started to panic.

Another (less safe) example has occurred a couple of times on the way home from work in the middle of the night. There is a bend in the road on I35S just before it appears that you're going to run directly into an oncoming train. Of course you can't see that you're not even on the same level as the train, given that its dark and there are no street lights. You just see this train light barreling towards you, and just as you start to panic, the road bends and you continue on your way. Its terrifying, but thankfully has only happened maybe two times so far.

These are only two examples of situations that arise in daily life that make me stop and think, "WAIT. What just happened, and where am I?" Thankfully I have been able to meet several other people who's brains seem to function this way - mainly in the coffee shops and bookstores where I've been employed. These are the best people. They crave vast amounts of knowledge, always respond with sharp wit, and are game for any sort of bizarre idea. All of life is a movie, and apparently it is sometimes directed by M. Night Shyamalan.